"I sought fit words to paint the blackest face of woe" ~ Sir Philip Sidney

In Dark, Dark Room Number Thirteen, I Found Is the first day of the rest of your life nothing like what you expected, you wake decidedly early, as if it all actually mattered much too much, strife remains struggle until you overcome killing yourself slowly, this life will shake demons out from under your bed, you fall and hit your head but you are still alive really, what do you want to do, how dumb killing yourself becomes, work is okay really but not, what do you want to do one shot, this life, with nothing left to say only one thing to do, to stick like glue maybe is good, but no, move on, and thrive not just survive, work until you are dead unless that is what you want, how - insane maybe you drank the water and Kool-Aid burn in hell, a metaphor in your head each lie you soaked up, you vomit, expel really, is it now time to use a cane this life is short but sweet, you made the grade how much better do you want to appear in this world, you get to work, or tra...

How not to catastrophize the real world Heavens to Betsy, how quaint and polite of course, blasphemy is an utterance witness to what is supernatural naysayers set the flag of truth alight of course, this is all politics, conflict tragedy is everywhere, still we dance to celebrate my birthday, natural of course, to people who celebrate Pride catastrophes of mind, I must restrict and redirect, channel the negative taste what is otherwise, a different bent a flavor to seek out, as positive still, we dance and sing as children once sent to bed, say our prayers out loud, hide inside rationalize as adults how others of course, choose ignorance, hatred and greed phantoms that follow me inside my mind how not to catastrophize, my brothers in the real world, everything seems like hell zebras see only black and white, a creed everything is multicolored, the blind thematically metaphorical, sense how what is different, we rely on smell each deals with their disappointment ...

She slept on the idea of yesterday Sleep is a habit-forming drug of choice however, when I cannot sleep, the muse elicits words from a dark place, from dreams selective hearing allows for one voice left from the cacophony of noises embrace the voice within that nightmares choose perhaps they dream of work, of voiceless screams tomorrow I awaken as today on my birthday, life full of surprises nothing lasts as long as a dead friend, dear thankfully, I am not homicidal however, imagination, I fear elicits strategies of a bridal interference plan, jilted, as they say despite the longing for love, desire ends up channeled with suppressed emotions action is decisive when repeated only sati, a bride on the pyre forms societal expectations cast yes, on the idea that love like oceans embodies the force of arms defeated successfully by hungry ghosts, by thoughts turned by a lathe, ancient as the Near East except poison from a well cannot sit remembering how still it mus...

I slept on the idea of yesterday sleep as a habit-forming drug of choice leaps out of bed like a child and runs fast everywhere all at once, what can I say practice makes the imperfections perfect the act of running born without a voice objectively, I know this cannot last nothing lasts forever like a dead friend theatrical as a mime, I detect how conspiracy makes a suicide evidently, an inevitable idea, when men gather for regicide despite how work is unenviable except when the means justify the end antithetical to the ends themselves obstructing justice to make history for to justify the means makes our lives yes, misshapen as books upon warped shelves everyone knows that content can be warped save the perspective of a love story tomorrow, no one knows how sharpened knives exacerbate a situation born realistically, from well-planned, mapped out designs to conform to ideas of right and wrong and make decisions out of dreams yes, tomorrow is a dream formed at n...

I have to go home now and shoot myself however, if I wait for tomorrow as it is my birthday, I could just wait veritably another year, the shelf everyone sees, full of books, I read tormented by the past, full of sorrow obliged to speak well of the dead, they bait generously, to watch a poet write old wives tell tales, old men would rather bleed honestly, than listen to the stories old women tell about how bad men are maybe if I listen to the worries empty-headed fools offer me so far nothing more disagreeable, despite old men and women who cannot agree wonders never cease, is this but a game as you can see, all opinions matter not a lick to anyone but themselves decide that life is worth living, a shame shatter a mirror, seven years bad luck how mindless to walk the earth and not see ordinary people, sparrows chatter ordinary people, full of conceit tragic to live in this world, on the shelves monstrous icons of bygone days, I suck yes, on the nipple of pointl...

For a long time, I went to bed early. ~ Swann's Way, Combray by Marcel Proust, translated by Lydia Davis (Penguin, 2002) Fuck waking up ever again to this obscene reality, obscenities really fly to witness birds on fire absolutely horrifying, to kiss loneliness goodbye and embrace monsters objective institutions in cities neglected by ghosts, full of desire genuine authenticity, a lie terrible to seek sorrow, nothing stirs introverts from slumber in beds of rust melded to metal posts of stainless steel enveloped in nightmares and dreams of dust I beg your forgiveness, these words, I feel I must repeat this art until I die welcome to this practice, I cannot share even to imagine killing a tree not for one moment, no, egos profound to wake up to this world, I do not care tragedy everywhere and all the time obey the rules, boys and girls, and agree bitterly to disagree with unsound eternally youthful and naive minds drive into a wall, or stop on a dime everyo...

One of my greatest concerns is money not unlike you, unless you are dying everyone is dying slowly but some of us are dying quickly, the funny funny thing about dying is death itself money on the table, are you crying yes, I know, no one talks, we are all dumb given that we cannot feel the sorrow religion centered around grief, the shelf empty of books on how to deal with death answers found in others, they take a year to grieve the loss of a parent, this breath eternal changes over time, the fear sits on a stool nearby as to borrow the proverbial cup of white sugar covered in blood, a horror film, how strange only our fears personified become quite real no one waits beside a pressure cooker cooking up vegetables in a hurry everyone notices the dog with mange no one thinks to care allows us to feel still, so few become veterinarians in this world, we rush to taste the curry spice adds to the variety of choice maybe to care for others, their dying only lets us s...

Nihilism for the hopeless at heart Nothing...inherently without purpose in a world without meaning, without hope how people actively neglect duty ideology instructs for the worse lessons on how to passively oppress institutions arise to offer dope sick human beings made sicker, beauty makes the world lopsided, out of balance false dichotomies, ideas of progress of success, of redemption make no sense review the reading material, now that centuries of racism, how dense how thick in the head, and how now brown cow enter history unchecked, look askance history offers faith in lessons learned objectively lacking inherent truth purpose imposed as structure, as a guide elegant as mathematics, time turned life into an experiment, a test endlessly refined in classrooms, the youth stuck for hours each day, full of false pride sitting around, chewing the fat, they read assignments, do their homework, do their best their best is rarely ever good enough hopeless at heart, ...

My deceased cat keeps leaving the lights on yet, I go to turn them off, where is she dead, inside a box, ashes, bones and dust even if I could find her, she is gone cease to exist and they cremate your corpse even if I could outrun death, I see another adversary not to trust seems like the world is full of polar bears even if I could move the world, what warps decision-making more than smoking dope cats are my only hope, though dogs are sweet as a child, I was denied any hope to live with a cat or two, I would meet kindness face-to-face, vis-a-vis, my fears endlessly melt away, but I am old endlessly older than before and sad perhaps because the future is my past such that I must live with others as cold literally, as my own family even if I win the lottery, bad as losing my right arm, wrapped in a cast veritably, I would be all alone in some place, this works out amicably not because I would be rich but to write given what I write about is a win the world does not desire but to fight ...

Sometimes, I feel so small, smaller than quarks only my imaginary dog knows maybe if you saw me, you would know, too everyone sees but what can they do, barks time for Octavius to get his food in time, I will get some as well, what grows mathematically exponential, boo even my stocks are down the drain, I crane sometimes to see the wreck, how rude I am a dimly lit light bulb, not bright feeling isolated and so alone each day, I dream I could GLOCK out one night each night, I give Octavius a bone leave me alone to shop in peace, I wane severed from my loved ones, my strength so weak over time, I atrophy and decrease smaller than dust, what am I but a dog maybe, if I were so lucky, I speak as if people want to hear but do not leave me alone with the dog bones, I cease limping through life, as if left in a bog smaller than fine ashes, blown by the wind maybe you understand, nose full of snot as the tears well up, be a man, and kill leftovers in the fridge, and make...

Hey Dad, Were you not so bad, you would have been good even dead wood reads better off the shelf rest assured, you mindless elf than the wealth ending in indifference, found in our hood you weren't so bad for my brother that is of course, I couldn't care less for myself understanding ignorance, for my health not just mental but physical as well only if this life were not hell, a quiz to fail every year, Father's Day, the dead sleep in caskets or tin boxes or urns obviously, I was bad, the less said better speak well or not at all, what burns against the grain, no matter whom I tell damned if I do, so it doesn't matter you wouldn't know how bad this life is now only with all the abuse, I turned out understandably good, a mad hatter worthless as fuck, mind in a rage, but great only God is greater than a brown cow understandably so, please, do not doubt liars are full of blasphemy, forgive deniers their consumption to debate honestly, the effect...

To be able to fall in love, stranger To be able to fall in love again obviously, I am no longer young because the words come to mind, easily even when I was sixteen, way back when answers to the questions I have were hard because I was a runt, hardly well-hung like other young men, well-endowed, silly exactly, I know not everyone is made to be golden as the sun, in a word old age has crept up on me, made me feel forgotten and unloved, a teddy bear abandoned for a new toy, what a deal left behind, a lifelong sinner, unfair love is for the beautiful in the shade in a world, unobserved, hidden away nobody knows, nobody cares to know love is golden like the sun in summer only, I have no energy to say view me like the gods of mythology everyone knows the standard is to glow stranger danger, this life, what a bummer try to explain, to tell me why abuse reigns supreme in this world, psychology and other mumbo-jumbo, lies we tell no one but our therapist in a room give...

Ravel and unravel this mortal coil ancient, twisted roots work their way to grow virtually unhampered, completely free entirely at leisure as they toil left alone in their intentions to find answers in the soil, God-given, they know nothing less than Socrates, jest and see deep underground, they find rhizome networks understanding the difference, they act blind noticing nothing strange, known as unknown released from a sense of duty to act answering to no one once fully grown visions of entanglement, they retract enlightened awareness of quarks to quirks leave well alone as Galileo smirks this is life in a nutshell, politics how to know what is beyond all of this in a nutshell, they find infinite space save the king of bad dreams, his bag of tricks maybe ambition is but a shadow only Gray knows why ignorance is bliss retrieve wisdom from the dustbin of grace tantalized by opportunities lost abandoned to just deserts to forgo living among the well hung without ho...

Absence, disappearance, and emptiness because the necessary removal sends shivers down your spine, distribution enters a new phase, the unsteadiness nonsense makes more sense than reason itself creating Dada with no approval enchanted with war, with no solution deferring to pride, sheep to the slaughter institutions insist, books on the shelf silly to imagine, with so much dust ancient parchment safely hidden away potentially lost to fire, the trust potentially lost over time, they say each man broken will marry a daughter and the cycle repeats, all the abuse repetition makes perfect, a practice and the children grow up into adults nonsense, adults remain children, no truce creates the need for profits, endless war endless without hope, the hunger for spice and trade in human lives, the rise of cults not to explain but to exploit workers despite the ubiquity, hide the scar empty vessels shattered, families destroyed many become a chain of confusion potentially ...

Nothing to understand, all this nonsense Nothing left to understand but nonsense of course, I know nothing, an innocent this bit of subterfuge is the refuge honored by that rare bird, a bit less dense in all honesty, less thick in the head not simply born to think, but yes, hell-bent given disparities the masses choose to their own benefit, short-lived, for sure of course, they believe they are right, less said underneath the facade, the truth remains nobody knows the whole truth, they pretend defer to legal scholars to defend exactly what pertains inside their brains residing and presiding as the cure study whatever your heart desires to see the big picture in the details accept all the dichotomies as false no ideas, great or small, put out fires decide that water is the truth, the law accepts slavery in all forms, then fails lets go of past mistakes, accepts all faults leaves the past to scholars, moves on, action theater reproduces pantomime how to make se...

If you meet the Buddha on the road, kill him If, in your confusion, you, then, decide for whatever reason, now, to kill me you may observe later, deep in your mind only in the comfort of regicide understanding condones acts by an insane morbidly curious creature, to see eternity in a seashell, to find emptiness in values that shift and change time replaces sorrow with sugarcane the Buddha is not the Buddha, you know how mistakes, in hindsight, make little sense enter the world without choice, why you grow Buddha, the prince who let us figure out understanding underlies the footbridge deep in the soil, beneath the flow, the fish dive to seek nourishment beside the ridge happiness comes, well-fed, without a wish answered by divine intervention, doubt on the other hand, makes little difference nothing beyond the mind makes sense, how strange the road takes me places, I would not seek heroes lead in anguish and fear, unseen entirely hidden, for a moment roads ancien...

The more I understand, the less I care Theater for bloody ignorant apes horrible, our childhood, makes me so sad entertainment for adults as failures mediocrities taste the sour grapes oil and vinegar, ginger and garlic rely on nobody, no trust, my bad existential crisis, still time endures I become the other, their one scapegoat under the appearance, this life makes sense no one understands this could be a trick deception is the rule for most people exceptions to the rule always exist remember, we were brothers, not sheeple standing under the steeple, they persist turn a blind eye and build a better fence after five decades, none of this matters nothing makes a difference, not now, no more decisions made by the grown-ups, they count theater, a bush of sparrows chatters how could I know when I was young, no fun empty vessel as an adult, the score less than zero, no money, no amount ever could make up for going abroad still, you ended up the wealthier son so it ...

Rage consumes me Riddle me with rifles, sift with a sieve against the wall, I smoke two cigarettes gifts from the executioner, the squad enamored with bloodshed, take life to give counsel for the people, an ounce of rage opens the floodgates, tears tumble, regrets never spoken, never understood, God sums up our anarchy as rebellion under the aegis as to disengage my status as enemy of the state enemy of the king, bring me the head she said, and so they brought her an ingrate maybe the queen wanted me dead, instead entitled soldiers bring her a hellion

The woman in pink with the J Crew bag There she stood waiting for the Purple Line how patient she appeared on the platform even for a moment, she seemed so young women are as mysterious as time obviously, some obtain their beauty mischievously, some without any scorn across the expanse, a green bag, she clung needlessly to the past, as if to youth in a vision, with no sense of duty no one could see her sensibility pink sweater or jacket, she wore it well in the city, her inability not to appear feminine, a soft shell kindness radiated as if the truth within was not based on logic, who knows if to hear her voice or to see her eyes this much is true, distance is majestic how soft her high arches, her little toes that the heat of late spring started early how angelic like a dancer, she spies each to their own, Evanston, with its shtick Jesus, starved and hungry, never drinks brine Crickets, in the movie theater, chirp realizing, Jesus is not burly everyone knows, ...

Dear Nancy,      I know how much you want me especially, to write you a letter as if I could forget over summer really, not much happens, as you can see Nancy, I miss you at the beach, you left all in a rush, you said, nothing better nothing at all than a good friend, bummer calling me out like that, me, in bad faith yet, I do not know, I will feel bereft I forget all summer and you get mad knowing, full well, I am just a fuck-up now, I look back, forty years later, sad of course, I was a punk, not a suck up would you still hate me, I feel like a wraith how do I get back to normal, I lost overwhelmingly, with you, since high school words cannot convey my sorrow, old friend maybe, I was in the wrong, I know the cost under duress, I confess, friends are few call it what you will, adulthood, uncool how I must appear to you in the end you may never read this letter, long gone only, I can only hope that you knew understood that your forgiveness is ...

I am so quiet, even mice whisper as to listen to my thoughts about rice maybe they think I know Mumble Bunny so to spin lettuce without a crisper ordinarily, I speak to no one questions arise whether I live for spice understand, we will never meet, funny in a silent way, how deadly, kiss me even if you get my jokes, is it fun to speak with a poet, or a madman even the mice whisper thoughts in my ears very often, I wake up just to scan eternity in a nutshell, his fears none less than Prince Hamlet, bad dreams, you see mice whispering in my ears while I sleep in the dark, I cannot find my way home comb the streets for my corpse, I must be dead even if we meet, not even a peep whispered into my ears by mice, the spice however, in my brain, under the dome inside my cranium, my skull, unfed special sauce lacks garlic, what is the point perhaps, to eat meatballs with orzo rice each to their own, is that not what she said rings as Sicilian anelli pasta if we met, we c...

At the vet, the day before the blue moon to say our goodbyes to the Growltiger though the Wiccan was all around, magic honestly could not save my cat, high noon eclipsed her death, her tongue stuck out, bug eyes virtually half-dead, I would wager everyone knows sedation is no trick take away the spirit, the corpse remains the vet with purple hair wore no disguise however, the arc of the Calico embraced years of effort to love a cat damned to the street, a runt, not long ago answered the sorrow of my past, now that yes, she becomes past as well, no one gains before I knew it, my cat was long gone exactly where, I do not know, they say felines go to Kitty Heaven, children of a lesser god believe the big con religion sets us up for fairy tales each to their own, give the dog a bone, pay the bill before the service ends, say when honestly, I am sick of industry enter the world, exit when all else fails blue moon, second full moon, an afterthought leave me alone, h...

Please keep telling me that I am enough Perhaps you know something that I do not let humanity burn, shot down in flames even if I could not care less, I must ask me why cocaine drips out your nose, snot slides down your throat, welcome to addiction each day, I go to work and see your games kindness only as I offer, lick rust each day, I walk away from your nonsense each day, you offer only more friction please, tell me why I should listen to noise tell me why we are a blip on the screen enter the blue marble as girls and boys left childhood behind, unspeakably lean left love and happiness, made no difference if life came with instructions to do well nothing of the sort, I failed, I am through given everyone acts like they know best maybe they do, full of shit, go to hell even their secrets are just politics that rhetoric and platitudes sniff glue how they survived the past, give it a rest ask me why we all make mistakes, process takes decades to unfold, watch lat...

Hi, I am Erica, an adult child in a dysfunctional relationship I have no idea why this is my life as if I were born to accept the wild maybe I could have another purpose Erica is my name, give me no lip really, and we will get along, the strife in this world that I encounter is bunk call it what you will, struggle, win or lose avarice, aversion and delusion actively, guide people to enjoy pain nothing is as it appears, illusion as greed, hatred, and ignorance soon gain depth as roots sink into the earth, a monk under a bridge, waits for the rain to pass little does it matter if he gets wet to speak the truth, he watches the raindrops chip away at the limestone base, en masse hip to his spiritual trip, I sought instruction in the dark arts, so we met little by little, enlightenment stops drop by drop from the faucet to fall down instruction takes years, decades, so I bought nothingness from the monk for a pittance as emptiness found me, I cried for days dysfunct...

Language is a tool to create meaning Literally, I feel second day burn as if, I had a tough indoor workout nothing could prepare me for this level given, whatever comes, I cannot learn understanding has left me, an anchor answering the context without a doubt given such witchcraft as under a spell each symbol, I decipher as a code ignorance leaves me ignorant, a door slightly ajar, helps to explain this mess as a cacophony sounds like chaos take away one item, as if to bless old eyes with sight, I do not give a toss old eyes see the world before they erode left to make sense of sorrow, of my loss turn the page, this life of light and shadows only the blind make sense of the darkness create meaning out of chaos, a need religion is helpful for old widows each to their own, searching for a small bite as black as death within pure emptiness teach experience as parables bleed each person dry of money, this nonsense meaning creates out of logic, despite each person in need of a solid base as...

Glory be to God for dappled things Pied Beauty ~ Gerard Manley Hopkins Glory be to innocence, lost and found lost over the years, a little brown bear only nobody cares, once childhood past remember memories persist, unbound yet, they will do their best to show they care brilliant, I eat my feet and go running except, neither far can I run, nor fast toenails, black and blue, a fashion statement only if I could return to hunting Goe, and catche a falling starre, Get with child only if I could return to childhood decisively, never again, too mild forget all the books I have read, dead wood only if I could return to pigment remember my legs run around the track distance is the one goal, the old people ask why I run so far, a big runner perhaps, I'm only five-foot one, low stack perhaps, I got a pain in my neck, pop led to believe St. Ignatius steeple emits a tone only mites hear, dumber diatribes have been written for the news think about when my first novel wil...